Entry for April 30, 2010

The last day of the month leaves me thinking about the time that has just past. April has been a bitter sweet month. Last year this was a hard month for me, emotionally, physically, and mental. The year before that was a hard one as well, but for different reasons. April has been a tough month for several years. This year however, 2010, April has brought forth many many good things.

It is represented by change, and growth, and maturity. I have acquired good things this whole year, but April has by far been the most beneficial. I am gaining not only material things, (Although I have many this month) but I am gaining knowledge, and strength, and am learning about myself. I am finding my inner strength, and testing my own boundaries. I am pushing myself to do things I never thought I could before, just to say “I can”.

So much of my life was spent making excuses. Life was too hard, or too rough, or too raw. Raking through my emotions daily, causing me to be left defeated at the end of the day, never feeling accomplished. I’ve seen that this, however unfair, or hard to swallow, is life. Life is hard. You lose sleep. You don’t get everything you think you deserve. You have items on your to-do-list that don’t get done. If I get half of the things I have planned for the day finished it’s been a productive day.

I had a sense of entitlement, everyone owed me something. For no reason other than my selfishness. Having to work hard for everything I have, digging my nails in to the tread of life to keep from capsizing, is what taught me how selfish I really was. I never saw it for what it was. It seemed to me that the world was against me, that no one saw how important I was.

In the big picture of life, I’m nothing more than a dot. When I pass, only a few people will take note. Only a few people will even know. I’m not as important as I once told myself I was. I am important, but I’m not the center of the universe. I know these things now. This is why this month, this year, have been productive, and the April’s past were much less than.

Today alone, I will accomplish many things, as I have already. I have dressed and gotten ready for my morning, and done the same for Zaden. I have fed him, and he is now napping (Finally!) I have done two loads of laundry, mopped and swept the floors, and am getting ready to vacuum.

I am needing to sign off so I can finish chores for the lady coming soon. Youth Alliance, is going to take Zaden on as a client once Catholic Charities has to drop him from their case load once he turns a year (May 24). I want the house to look presentable when she arrives, so these are my good byes.

Rhyme intended.

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